Cocktails for Inauguration
Bye Don!
We knew it would be bad. We wept into our drinks at the coronation, hoping for correction. We drowned our sorrows during the impeachment, seeking repair. And here we are. After four years of the world’s most high stakes reality show, we sit quaking in our corners, in masks and soft pants, mainlining carbs, and singing sea shanties. Everything is broken, and nothing is given. Inauguration day, 2021, will be one for the books.
The white supremacists and their windbag king have made a dry January impossible, so here is a menu of cocktails to get you through. Gather up those last shreds of will, scare up a little hope, and let’s get on with it. Courage!
Corpse Reviver 21
A version of the reviver to wake us from this nightmare, select your favorite bubbles (prosecco, champagne, Sprite), grab a sunny citrus, seek a shaft of light (if you can find one), and furtively sip (if it’s before noon Wednesday, they may be watching) while quietly chanting “deliver us from evil.”
The Loser
If you can stomach it, a ritual swallow to purge the worst, get it all up and out. Twelve cans of Diet Coke, with a chaser of bleach.
The Q (a non-alcoholic beverage)
Traditionally served at recovery meetings, meant to detox the body and deprogram the brain. Kombucha, Clorox, and a sprinkling of sanity, served in a styrofoam cup in a church basement.
The Southern District
No fuss, just the facts. Double bourbon, leave the bottle. Quaff to the tune of hard-soled shoes in a long cold corridor and the jangle of jailer’s keys.
Revenge
A great big glass of sweet, to sip while the banquet of consequences is laid. Serve cold.
Georgia Kiss
Muddle some peaches with Southern Comfort and a dash of ecstatic thanks. Raise a glass to Stacey Abrams.
The Tiebreaker (aka Madame VP)
A joyful cocktail with a spine of steel. Rum, mango and no nonsense, served with a gavel and a withering prosecutorial gaze.
Biden Time
Boring and reliable, this drink has been around forever and will faithfully execute the job. A flat pale ale with a filament of hope. You can have a little ice cream after, as a treat.
Blessed Relief
Just a glass of cold, clean water. Go ahead, enjoy. Hydrate. It’s going to be okay. Help is on the way.
Adios Motherfucker
Needs no explanation. It’s a real drink and someone needs to raise it right now. Not me, thanks — it’s blue. But hoist those like you mean it!
