Cocktails for a Coronation

Image for post
Image for post
Photo by Roksolana Zasiadko
  • The White Russian
    A classic, made even simpler for our purposes. You just need vodka, milk, and the tears of The Dude.
  • The Golden Dump
    A festive cocktail, good for the parade segment of the day. Made with vodka, Meyer lemon bitters, yolk of egg, and the tears of 16 virgins.
  • The Updated Moscow Mule
    A fresh, patriotic take on a favorite, best consumed to the strains of military marching tunes. Vodka, Budweiser, and the tears of uninsured heartland patriots.
  • The Hillary Fizz
    This cocktail wants a moment and should be consumed like a prayer, head bowed and eyes down. You may only have one, the next must wait at least four years. Vodka, pomegranate bitters, bubbles, and the tears of suffragettes.
  • Vlad’s Manhattan
    A cocktail to toast the oath, the moment of transition, a drink to make deals over. Vodka, bitters, blood of the enemies, tears of the vanquished, garnished with a gold-leafed maraschino cherry.
  • Ellis Island Redux
    A refreshing, post-oath pick-me-up. You’ll just need vodka and the tears of the huddled masses.
  • Tears of a Clown
    A favorite of Dear Leader. Vodka, muddled moths, orange bitters, and clown tears. Easy to find now, with the death of Ringling.
  • The Capitol Pousse Café
    A multi-layered confection, a feat of alcohol engineering fit for the halls of Mar-a-Lago, this difficult cocktail is built to impress. Start with vodka and lay, layer upon garish layer, various random colored liquids, until you have a gauch glass of stripes. Garnish with the tears of the unpaid.
    (According to the informative linked article, anyone ordering this “is, plainly, a dick.”)
  • The Three K’s
    A favorite of the Breitbart crowd, this cocktail is lethal and may summon the ghosts of Confederate past. Vodka, absinthe, and a jigger of hate. Garnish with the tears of humanity and a burning cross.
  • The Bloody Wherever
    A good brunch cocktail, possibly for the morning after. Vodka, muddled celery, pureed, migrant-harvested, Big Boy tomatoes, and the tears of 17 menstruating beauty queens. Add an e.p.t. swizzle stick and stir.

Write it down.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store