Cocktails for a Coronation

Tears and Alcohol

Photo by Roksolana Zasiadko

This Friday, we will bear witness to a time-honored democratic tradition — the peaceful transition of power. Patriots warn of the importance of this tradition and caution that we must have the utmost respect for the spectacle. I must have missed some fine print in the Patriot manual, though, as I didn’t expect the peaceful transition to be to a foreign power.

In an attempt to correct my poor understanding of patriotism and get respectfully on board with the new world order, I’ve helpfully created a bar menu for your Inauguration/Coronation Day mourning (uh, celebration, sorry — this transition shit is killing me).

Note: All cocktails on this menu require Russian vodka. Brand doesn’t really matter. This article is helpful and the following quote from it is priceless —

… for the vast majority of us — specifically, those of us who have not spent the last few years subsisting on rainwater and grain alcohol — the nuances of vodka are largely academic. Any middle or top-shelf vodka is going to be smooth, especially if you chill it before drinking. And, even for those with the tastebuds of a hummingbird and the nose of a bloodhound, the delicate flavors of vodka will disappear by the third shot.

(Thank you, Bruce Watson, I love your writing and would love a drink.)

So, we have our vodka and our updated Patriot manual.
(Did you guys get one? I haven’t yet — perhaps the Republicans are still busy making changes. We’ll just have to intuit their intentions until Friday, when RT will likely broadcast the new definition of Patriotism).

You’ll also need bitters.

Now, the cocktails.

• Shots.
  A simple, clean way to begin our toast to the transition and dull the senses. Don’t forget a hearty toast to our new best friend, Vladimir Putin.
  Давайте выпьем за то, чтобы мы испытали столько горя, сколько капель вина останется в наших бокалах!
  (May we suffer as much sorrow as drops of wine we are about to leave in our glasses!) I’m not making this up.
• The White Russian
  A classic, made even simpler for our purposes. You just need vodka, milk, and the tears of The Dude.
• The Golden Dump
  A festive cocktail, good for the parade segment of the day. Made with vodka, Meyer lemon bitters, yolk of egg, and the tears of 16 virgins.
• The Updated Moscow Mule
  A fresh, patriotic take on a favorite, best consumed to the strains of military marching tunes. Vodka, Budweiser, and the tears of uninsured heartland patriots.
• The Hillary Fizz
  This cocktail wants a moment and should be consumed like a prayer, head bowed and eyes down. You may only have one, the next must wait at least four years. Vodka, pomegranate bitters, bubbles, and the tears of suffragettes.
• Vlad’s Manhattan
  A cocktail to toast the oath, the moment of transition, a drink to make deals over. Vodka, bitters, blood of the enemies, tears of the vanquished, garnished with a gold-leafed maraschino cherry.
• Ellis Island Redux
  A refreshing, post-oath pick-me-up. You’ll just need vodka and the tears of the huddled masses.
• Tears of a Clown
  A favorite of Dear Leader. Vodka, muddled moths, orange bitters, and clown tears. Easy to find now, with the death of Ringling.
• The Capitol Pousse Café
  A multi-layered confection, a feat of alcohol engineering fit for the halls of Mar-a-Lago, this difficult cocktail is built to impress. Start with vodka and lay, layer upon garish layer, various random colored liquids, until you have a gauch glass of stripes. Garnish with the tears of the unpaid.
  (According to the informative linked article, anyone ordering this “is, plainly, a dick.”)
• The Three K’s
  A favorite of the Breitbart crowd, this cocktail is lethal and may summon the ghosts of Confederate past. Vodka, absinthe, and a jigger of hate. Garnish with the tears of humanity and a burning cross.
• The Bloody Wherever
  A good brunch cocktail, possibly for the morning after. Vodka, muddled celery, pureed, migrant-harvested, Big Boy tomatoes, and the tears of 17 menstruating beauty queens. Add an e.p.t. swizzle stick and stir.

This should be a good start, though there are so many more options. Flips and fizzes, punches and rickeys and endless tears to work with (tears of polar bears and penguins, little girls and scientists, tears of rage and shame).

Pick your poison, cry a river, tears of the righteous.

Na Zdorovie.