If You’re Happy And You Know It
And You Really Want to Show It . . .
What the hell?
Medium’s new clapping thing has me all tied up in knots. I might love it, I’m not sure, I’m just not sure about anything anymore. I was aware of possible nascent issues with decision-making, self-restraint, and judgement (ok, maybe not so nascent, leave me alone), but the clap trap has thrown a spotlight on the mess.
My problem boils down, essentially, to this: how many claps am I supposed to give what? So far, I’ve been so deer-in-the-headlights about it all that I think I’ve only clapped once except that time I got all excited about a Frank Bruni article at the NYT and clapped like three times and then realized that Frank Bruni needs my claps like Donna Tartt needs my review (omg, have you guys read The Goldfinch? I have so much to say, if anyone cares.)
Hearts were easy. You gave one, you liked the thing, you were done. Of course, in those days I was known to gush in the comments — omg I wish I could give this a thousand hearts! — but that only worked because I couldn’t. I felt limited and restrained, trapped by this one gift I could bestow on everything, equally. Little did I know.
They gave me one jelly bean — use it wisely — and then, suddenly, the whole candy store and I’m supposed to know how to behave. I’m supposed to be so attuned to the valuation of art — art! — that I can calmly decide, each time I digest something, exactly what it’s worth. This essay gets a pack of Twizzlers, that one is worth two dark chocolate bars. Give the comic four jelly beans. It’s as if I have a whole new job.
What about friends? I want to clap for days for my friends, even if the work isn’t Bruni or Tartt level. Will that confuse the value system? And responses, what about those? It’s been my habit to give every response a heart (except the mean ones), a gesture of thanks for the read and the engagement. But now, if I give each response a clap (which I try to do), does that devalue the clap that I gave the funny potty essay? And maybe the potty essay deserves more than one clap?
I gave it three. Three claps for the potty essay. This is me trying to wiggle out of my clap trap and be less stingy. Medium’s Partner Program is making it even more confusing, because writers are actually paid (can you believe it?) based on claps. So claps matter. I think. But there’s math, because it has something to do with how many claps each member gives how many pieces and what percentage of that member’s monthly subscription fee it is — please don’t explain it to me, it already hurts.
I’ve dipped my toe in the program and, while it’s too early to tell if there will be any payoff, I’m cautiously excited. Confusion, however, reigns. Because, some people have given me lots of claps (28 claps, 31 claps, 50 claps!) and for a minute I get all twinkly but then I think — wait. Maybe that person gives everyone 50 claps and what does that mean? Are those claps worth less than my one stingy clap per piece? And have I ruined my one clap approach by giving the potty essay three claps? And do those three claps mean that the potty essay equals the three-clap Bruni essay?
Perhaps if we had limited claps, I would be able to manage it better. A smaller paddock in which to frolic. Ten claps, tops. One for responses, always. And minor pleasures, maybe. A scale, so that ten claps is really a comment. As it stands now, ten claps is a conundrum. First, it’s like wow, ten claps, blush! Then you’re all like, 10 claps, what does that mean, exactly? Why not 13? 24? Does this person give everyone 10 claps? What does any of this mean?
I have figured none of this out. So, if I clap for you, just know that I’m sitting here agonizing over the meaning of all of it. If I clap once, you’re great. If I clap a thousand times, you’re great and I’m having a crisis. If I clap 10 times today and 37 tomorrow, it means nothing other than whim and whatever and you’re still great. The only thing that any of it means is I’m here, I’m reading, and thank you.
